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Mitch versus “The Bachelor”

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Every girl’s guilty pleasure seems to be “The Bachelor.” OMG he is just soooo dreamy. I guess it would be entertaining to see 25 ladies cutting each other’s throats for this lucky guy looking for a wife. I think it would be exhausting as the guy. Yeah you get to pick the hot girls you get to date, which is pretty sweet, but no matter how great the date is, it is still a competition, so the girls would be passive-aggressively slipping in comments to sabotage each other.

Girl: Hey Bachelor this horseback riding date was so amazing! Tiffany definitely would have hated it.the-bachelor3
Bachelor: What do you mean?
Girl: Oh nothing, don’t worry about it.
Bachelor: Uh okay.
Girl: Well if you must know, she just said that guys who go on horseback riding dates are usually trying to overcompensate for something else.
Bachelor: But I didn’t choose the date, the producers di…
Girl: Tiffany said you have a small dick. But you didn’t hear it from me.

The household where all the bachelorettes live must be an absolute nightmare. SO many petty arguments. “Well he kissed me for twelve seconds, and touched my thigh!” It would just be constant cat fights, tongue in cheek comments, and bawling their eyes out, hand shoveling Nutella straight into their mouths after a date isn’t exactly the way they wanted. Even if the girls were all trying to relax in the spa, one girl would casually say something like “Jamie I love that bikini! The design really masks your muffin top.” The girls competing for The Bachelor know this is their last run at true love, so they are willing to do anything to win his heart. It makes for the perfect reality television show.

“The Bachelorette” is less entertaining, but better for both sides. The Bachelorette gets what every girl has ever wanted: to meticulously hand select her Prince Charming from a plethora of qualified suitors. Catherine, Called Birdy would be sooo jealous. (Did anyone else have to read that book?) The real winners of “The Bachelorette” are the bachelors competing for her heart. First of all, you are probably doing well off because you have to be attractive to get on the show. Props to you, you handsome hunk! Next, you get to live in a beautiful mansion with everything paid for. Everything. You can kick your feet up on your pool chair, drink some Mai Thai’s, and spit the shit with the other lucky dudes you are bunking with. You really have no responsibilities except the one afternoon a week where you have to compete for a date with the dame the show is named after. That isn’t even bad considering you can choose any date you want. “I want to take a helicopter ride over Malibu, that ends with a sunset picnic on the beach with chocolate strawberries and a bottle of 1967 Chateau de Paris Pinot Noir!” and the producers have to make the arrangements and foot the bill. Cherry on top, the date ends with a make out session, second base if the censors allow it.
Really as a guy on “The Bachelorette” all you have to do is fuck up less than the other guys. Be as appealing to the lady as possible. If she says she likes something, you say you’ve loved it for years! If she is a breeder of cocker spaniels, you say you’ve had a cocker spaniel your whole life. It’s not that hard. The only thing they make you disclose is your job, which may be a problem if you are a cashier at Safeway. Even then you can hype it up, say you revolutionized the cashier landscape, you were the inspiration for the automated check-out and you receive residuals every time someone uses one. A modest innovator; that Bachelorette would swoon. You can leave out particular details that will spoil your chances like having a racist family, or that you are buried in credit card debt. Not on this show! You may be a toad in real life, but on “The Bachelorette” you are a Prince.
“The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” is a happily ever after for sociopath liars looking to trick people into falling in love with them.  facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestmail

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