Netflix announced that “Full House” will return to television with a 13 episode revival spin-off cleverly titled “Fuller House.” Does anyone actually give a shit about this? Was Full House really that good of a show? And if it was that great, why would you want to ruin it with a spin-off that could never live up to the original?
I think the temptations of nostalgia and the feel good vibes people get when they think about “Full House” outweighs
the actual quality of it. Especially when you factor in how some the characters turned out years later. You feel tingly inside when you remember Bob Saget as sportscaster Danny Tanner, not as the filthy standup Aristocrat comedian he is today. Your heart melts when you think of the Olsen twins playing Michelle Tanner with her precious lines like “you’re in big trouble, mister” and “aw, nuts!” Now the Olsen twins can’t stay out of trouble and Mary-Kate can barely stomach a nut. Low blow, the Olsen twins turned out pretty normal, plus I can totally relate to them as a former child star myself. Look at the “Boy Meet World” spin-off. Everyone was stoked that “Girl Meets World” was returning and I can’t name a soul that watches it. Shit, half the viewers were probably 20-something male perverts tuning in to see if Topanga maintained the wet dream allure she had when they were growing up.
I think a lot of my frustration resides with this particular trend with television and cinematic entertainment. Instead of a powerhouse company like Netflix taking a chance on completely original content, using their money, platform, and talent resources to enhance that material, they use analytics, reviews, and previously successful content to create replicas because they know that there is a guaranteed demographic of fans willing to watch. You ever wonder why there are so many super hero shows and movies out there? It’s because they know it’s a cash cow and they suck that money teat dry. Hollywood is running more like a business and less like a stage for artists to tell stories. Hollywood is still telling stories, but only the ones that are proven to work.
I am guilty of indulging in some of this content. I have gushed about “House of Cards” and I’m a huge “Arrested Development” fan (“Arrested Development” deserved to be brought back. FOX ruined that show with horrible marketing. The writers and characters of that show are pure genius, I encourage you to watch all four seasons.) I am just bitter; as someone who attempts to create original content, it seems like a slim chance that anything I ever write will be picked up. The promising note is that if you create content proven to work, you have a foot in the door.
I just don’t like the predictability of curated content. “Fuller House” comes out in 2016, but I can already tell you what’s going to happen. Here is the pitch for the show in italics, and my predictions in-between:
The story will follow D.J. Tanner, who is a recently widowed (why do the Tanner’s have such bad luck with spouses? Such a morbid way to start off) and pregnant veterinarian (So at some point the Fuller House dog, or class hamster, whichever pet is around, will get sick, and despite all odds, D.J. will miraculously save it. Insert feel good moment.) living with her younger sister and aspiring musician Stephanie Tanner, (Okay the Fuller House is going to support Stephanie after she feels insecure about her music, which will inspire her to submit to the local coffee shop open mic, which she crushes at because of the love of her family. Tingly feeling ensues.) and her childhood best friend, Kimmy Gibbler, along with Gibbler’s feisty teenage daughter Ramona, (Ramona will have some bad boy boyfriend that she is head over heels for, even though the Fuller House warns against him. She gets her heart broken by her “first love” and the Fuller House is there to guide Ramona through it. OMG I have the feels.) move in to help D.J. raise her two sons rebellious 12 year old J.D., (So J.D. will be going through puberty or some awkward teenage shit and with nowhere else to turn, seeks the help of the most unlikely person imaginable, Ramona, who gives him the unexpected advice and support he needs to overcome said problem. FEEL GOOD MOMENT! and neurotic 7 year old Max. (How the fuck can a 7 year old be labeled as neurotic? He is a child, come on now. Anywho, Max and all his crazy seven year old neuroses he’s developed, will be forced to join a sports team like soccer, despite the fact that he is an awful athlete and should stick to his Gen Y habits that he can’t break, you know because he is a neurotic seven year old, will score the game winning goal in the championship game. YAY!!!)
The season ends with D.J. appearing to have complications with her baby, but ends up birthing a perfectly healthy child. AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!
Feel free to let me know how spot on I was when the show comes out in 2016. 
