What the fuck is up y’all? If you couldn’t tell I’ve been a little busy lately with some things, hence the blog has suffered. I’ve been writing some things outside the blog, so I’ll show you the goodies when I finish. I’ve been switching over all my content from the original blog over here, so it looks pretty and I can hopefully make some money. I have been trying to set up advertising on this mofo, and I have discovered that I know nothing about the internet. I wanted to do it before I got heavy traction to the site, but instead my post about being a labia leper got published by the Elite Daily, so not only did I miss out on some good Benjamins, the world now knows that I scare pussy. Anything for a laugh right?
Speaking of laughs, I had some stand up shows this weekend. I didn’t happen to see you guys there, what gives? I’m kidding, I did have some folks show up (Thanks Matt, Kyle, and my family). Here is something I ran into for every single show. For some reason, people always feel like they can talk during my sets, I don’t know if it’s because my material is so groundbreaking/edgy or if they just don’t like dick jokes in the middle of a bar on a week night. It does bother me a little bit, but I am able to handle it much better now than I used to. Either way, the people that always talk to during my shows are middle-aged women. Middle-aged women hate my comedy.
Any time I see a middle-aged woman off the stage, they absolutely love me. I am always a hit with the menopause mommies; I think it’s because I remind them of their sons, or their husbands when they were younger, before their low testosterone kicked in. I think it’s because at times, my boyish good looks and charm makes me resemble what would be a “catch.” Then I start talking about how I do comedy, I don’t really have a job, and the mirage fades for these grayed girls, and they see see me for who I am and not the One Tree Hill facade that I may present. Could I sound anymore conceited in this sentiment?
When I step on the stage, that lust quickly fades. Here is the thing about stand-up that the audience may not know. If you are in the first 5 rows, I can see you. I can see every facial expression you make, so I can tell pretty damn quick if I am your cup of tea or not. So if you are being a dick to me, I am probably going to be a dick to you. And most of the time, I try to play it off friendly, but this weekend I had 2 out of 3 shows where over-the-hill women heckled me. They weren’t even good heckles! They were typical girly, passive-aggressive comments. Did you really think that your tongue-in-cheek statements were going to work? I think the timid heckle from last night was that I was on the left side of the stage in front of a gaggle of geyser gals, and she said “go back over there” to the right side. I think she fully expected me to apologize, obey her commands, and waddle over to the other side of the stage.
Whether you like it or not, when I have the mic in my hand, I have a responsibility to entertain the audience. If you are in the audience and you tell me to do something, my first reaction is to not do it. You don’t deserve it, because whether you know or not you are being so fucking rude to me. You are disrupting me during a performance that I work hard to put on. I’m doing something that you would never have the balls/ovaries to do, so for you to throw in your pointless two sense while I’m trying to entertain you, makes you an awful person. It’d be like yelling “earthquake!” to a tight rope walker.
I know it’s all part of doing stand up, but some people just don’t get it. Hecklers think they are helping the show but they are ruining it. You came to a comedy club, the one place in the world where I can say things that you may not like and it’s perfectly acceptable. Hell I’m encouraged to say awful stuff. If you are the only one not laughing, I’m going to make everyone laugh at you. Simple as that.
Long story short, if you go to a comedy show, realize that you may not like everything here, and voicing your opinion on the matter will only make things worse for you. I promise that. What most audience members don’t realize is that our comedy (or attempts at it) are all for you. Unless you are seeing a recognizable name, most of the comedians you watch live are not getting paid. That means the only reason why they are doing stand up is because they genuinely love to make people laugh, so let them at least try. 
